Avoid by Matchmaking: Varia Edition
by Snow757
Summary: In which Tsuna is the mastermind, Lussuria is the matchmaker, Levi is in love, Fran laughs and the rest of the Varia are scarred for life. LevixOC. TYL-verse. Oneshot.


Hello there! How are you guys?

This oneshot is a spin off of chapter 4 and 5 in the fic (Avoid My Paperwork With My Dying Will), if you read this only it's alright, but to understand it better go to both chapters. I hope I don't fail that much in this (lame writing is lame).

*Sigh* This is gonna be so bad.

* * *

**_Avoid by Matchmaking: Varia Edition._**

* * *

_Sometimes, I wish we weren't part of the Vongola._

_Their antics are too insane for us._

_If you wanted to escape signing your paperwork..._

_Please..._

_Don't drag us with you._

_**The Varia's First Boss.**_

* * *

Lussuria was peacefully practicing on a punching bag when his cellphone rang.

Picking it up, he answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, Lussuria?" The voice on the other end of the line asked.

When he realized that the caller was that sweet boss of theirs, he beamed. "Ah, Tsushi, Is that you? Long time no see." When the Varia finally accepted that he was going to be the Vongola boss, Lussuria started calling him that because he thought that it was cute, much to the other's confusion. But as the days passed by, he had gotten used to it.

"Yes, It's me," the other replied, and then paused before he asked, "Say, would you like to be an aunt?"

Lussuria raised an eyebrow at the odd question but then he imagined little cute kids calling him '_Auntie Luss'._ And needless to say, he rather liked the idea. "Why of course! It would be just fabulous!"

"Great," Tsushi said sighing with relief. "I may have an idea that will make your fellow Varia members settle down and have kids. I warn you from now, it would be risky, you can ask Chrome if you wanted. So, are you with me?"

"Yes!" Lussuria exclaimed, totally disregarding his own safety. "It's about time that my dear comrades settle down, I'm with you one hundred percent!"

"Alright then, here's the plan..."

* * *

_Hi dear followers__!_

_How are you today__?_

_Anyway, today I came here with an offer to date one of my dear friends who really need to go out and meet new people. So if any of you live in Italy please consider this__._

_Here's some info on them:_

_The first one is kinda brutish looking with a unique hair style. He's very loyal so if you gained his like, you won't have to be afraid of being cheated__._

_The second one is rather mysterious, no one knows the real look, but the few hints you'll see are very promising. Has a soft side but you have to dig deep to find it. Money is a source of great happiness for this one so you have to be loaded__._

_The third one is very cute looking with sleepy bright green eyes. Doesn't like to be treated like a kid and he's very blunt so take note of that. And he's also quite the snarky__ fellow._

_The fourth one is also cute with blond bangs covering his eyes and the ever present grin on his face. He's rather playful and tends to get bored very easily so you have to be a very fun loving person__._

_This one is pretty, very pretty, with long sliver hair and sharp sliver eyes. He's loud and known for his rough handling, but he's very caring deep, deep, inside__._

_The last one is very handsome with scars that just add to his looks. He has quite the temper and not that many people could handle him. But who knows? Maybe you could be the one that could tame him__._

_I hope that will make you think about it_

_With love~!_

_Your lovely** Luss-lussy.**_

* * *

Clicking '_Enter_' to finally send the post, Lussuria sweatdropped. He really made them less murderous than they really are. _All part of the plan_, the Vongola boss assured him.

He wondered how the hell will he ever convince them to go out on blind dates. He must pull off some sort of a miracle for that to happen.

* * *

_Apparently, miracles do happen, _Lussuria thought.

He just finished a phone call with Tsushi who told him that he succeeded and that the next plan in action was to find a location for the dates, a task that Lussuria had already covered.

When the Varia member asked how did he managed to convince them, the other didn't go into detail but he said that it involved some freedom for the Varia to do whatever it wanted for a month, a spar (A chance to murder Tsushi.) and many, many wine bottles.

_I don't know if I want to even know what kind of a deal he made._

So now that all things were set, Lussuria was one step closer to the '_Auntie_' title.

That is, if he lived long enough to gain it.

* * *

While the others were somewhat unwilling to do this, Fran didn't mind it really. A chance to get away from these nut jobs and talk to normal people wasn't necessarily a bad thing in his opinion. _The place was nice too_, he thought drinking some apple juice.

"Luss-lussy was right; you are very cute." He looked up to see that it was a girl with a very bright orange shirt with equally bright green and blue dots.

"Your hat is also cute," she noted politely, smiling with a slight blush.

But Fran didn't notice anything for the matter, his attention was more focused on the shirt she was wearing instead.

_That colour, it's blinding._

_It's like she borrowed it from Lussuria._

"Yo!" He greeted. "I congratulate you for choosing the most ugliest shirt I've ever laid my eyes on, and believe me when I say I saw many ugly shirts." He wanted to give an advice to her, but instead, it came out as a blunt insult.

The girl, not understanding the dynamics of his bluntness, slapped him and stormed out angrily. And rubbing his abused cheek, he wondered about what did he do wrong.

_That conversation ended quickly._

Having nothing else to do, he decided to check out on his comrades to see how they're holding out.

* * *

He walked around the park (That was the location for their so called mission.) aimlessly for twenty minutes before he came across a familiar face.

And when he saw that sight, Fran wondered if someone was playing a sick joke on him.

Because there Levi was, acting all lovey dovey with an _actual_ human being.

_A very, very sick joke._

* * *

All what he have to do was going to this park, sit in a reserved place and wait for someone to come and talk to him.

This mission was so easy, it was insulting.

But nonetheless, the Boss asked him to do it so he'll do it, no matter how silly it was.

And that's when a black haired girl approached him. "You're my date right?" She asked, shyly glancing at him.

He raised an eyebrow at the fact that she called him her date, but he shrugged it off_. It could be some sort of a mission code_. "Yes."

And then the two just sat there in awkward silence.

The girl looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, I'm not good with talking to guys like you."

Levi frowned. "Guys like me?"

She just averted her eyes for a moment before answering with a whisper. "Y-you know, the attractive ones."

Levi, overwhelmed by the fact that someone just complimented him (And that it was girl, a pretty girl.) he quickly asked her. "What's your name?"

"Lia," she answered shyly.

And with that, Levi fell in love.

* * *

_Oh God my eyes!_ Fran exclaimed mentally upon seeing the Varia's Lightning guardian blowing a kiss at his date.

And thinking that staying there any longer will damage his mind, he set off again.

After a while of walking, he saw Belphegor looking rather distressed and trying to get his crown (Tiara.) away from the girl that was holding it tightly.

_Oh, this must be good._ Fran grinned as he stepped forward to take a closer look.

* * *

When Belphegor was ordered to do this mission, he was annoyed; _what's the fun of just talking to some girl if you couldn't even kill her?_ And when the said girl just sat there and looked fearfully at him, he was not amused. But when she started abusing his crown...

He was pissed.

"You better get your hands away from it," Bel warned, which was a very generous offer coming from him. Others would be long dead now, she should be grateful that Xanxus ordered not to kill anyone for today.

"This thing is evil! It will posses you and make you it's slave!" The girl reasoned.

_What the hell is up with this chick?_ "Look, I'm trying to be civil for the first time in my life, don't make me regret it." He stood and grabbed the golden object, trying to free it from the girl's clutches.

"It's going to kill us!" Tugging the crown away from him, she tightened her grib on it even more.

"Leave it you crazy bitch!" Bel hissed angrily, tightening his grib too. The situation turned out like some sort of tug o' war, but with a mental girl and an angry assassin.

"No! We will turned mad if we did!"

"The only mad person here is you!"

"See! You're insulting an innocent person already! I have to destroy this evil existence!"

"Let my freaking crown go!"

"No!"

* * *

_My life is complete_, Fran thought, rolling on the floor laughing his head off. Seeing how the so-called prince is struggling to keep himself from commiting murder on the spot while he was ordered not to was entertainment at its finest. _It must be hard._

He brought out his cell phone and started recording this lifetime worth of blackmail material. Only fools will let this golden opportunity slip by.

And Fran was certainly no fool.

"I swear I'm going to kill you right now if you didn't let it go, let my boss kill me for all I care!"

"Can't you see that this tiara has made you into a blood lusting killer?"

"I'm already a blood lusting killer! And this is a freaking crown for your information!"

"See! It even made you think that it was a crown!"

"You. Are. So. _Dead!_"

Eating some popcorn and enjoying the show, Fran watched amusedly as the girl starting running away, crown (Tiara.) still in hand. With Belphegor hot on her tail.

_Let's see if the others would have fabulous meetings such as these_, he snickered.

* * *

He stopped his strolling when he saw Lussuria hiding in a bush and looking forward, muttering, "This can't end well." With dread.

Fran approached him curiously, and without the other noticing him, he asked, "What are you doing here, perverted old man?"

Lussuria jumped out of his skin and sighed with relief when he saw that it was him. "Fran darling, you startled me." But the utterly bored look on the other's face indicated that he really didn't care.

"Isn't that Mammon?" He suddenly asked, pointing at the other Varia mist guardian that was sitting in front of the bush they were observing from.

Lussuria grabbed his hand and dragged him down, hiding from Mammon's sight. "Keep quite!" He hissed sharply. "Who knows what will happen to us if we were discovered."

"There is no 'We' here," Fran noted dully, but the other didn't pay him any heed.

And that's when the rather loud voice of the girl sitting across Mammon got his attention.

_"SO ARE YOU A MALE OR A FEMALE?"_

_"It should be obvious," Mammon answered, like the answer was a known fact._

"You know? That is a very good question, her voice is making my ears bleed though."

"I think Mammon is a man, also, agreed on the ears bleeding part."

"I think we have enough old men in our squad, Mammon should be a woman."

"Do you mean I'm an old man too?"

"You're the oldest, don't you see the wrinkles that's filling your face."

"You hurt me darling, you really do."

_"NO IT'S NOT OBVIOUS!" The girl wasn't satisfied with the vague answer that was given to her._

_"Well I can't help you then."_

"Smooth Mammon, smooth."

"Not going to tell which one are you, huh? As expected from him/her...tell us dammit!" Lussuria urged, hissing. Not that Mammon could hear him or anything.

_"YOU ARE A CRUEL INDIVIDUAL! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"_

_"Okay..."_

_"NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! YOU SHOULD ROT IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL!"_

_"Uh...?"_

_"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE YOU EVIL PERSON!"_

_"Bu-"_

_"YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU BITCH! YOU BASTARD!"_

_"People are starting to loo-"_

_"THAT'S ALL WHAT YOU CARE FOR RIGHT? PEOPLE! YOU FREAKING HYPOCRITE!"_

"This is too good to be true," Fran said, trying to hold his laughter while filming what's happening.

All while Lussuria cursed his luck. "I'm doomed if Mammon finds out!"

It was then that Mammon looked around, as if he/she sensed a familiar presence.

"We're going to get caught if we stayed here, we need to run!" And with that Lussuria managed to get away from the area without being noticed, dragging Fran along with him, much to other disappointment (He really wanted to film everything).

"There's no 'We' here," Fran noted again, reminding him.

* * *

Lussuria was almost crying at this point. "Everyone is not doing so well, except Levi, but I don't give a shit. What will I do?"

"Beats me," Fran answered, eating his popcorn.

It was then that they heard someone saying dreamly '_My fair maiden, what beautiful hair you have'._

And the loud shouting of someone _'Voi!_' in reply. Lussuria and Fran stopped in their tracks at that; the second voice was alarmingly familiar.

_"Oh my fair maiden, your angelic voice pierces through my heart."_

_"Let's see what you're going to do when I pierce through your skull!"_

When Lussuria saw what's happening, he had the sudden urge to cry in despair.

While Fran just brought cell phone's camera and grinned. "This day keeps getting better and better."

* * *

Joe Lorrette was annoyed.

_Why does he have to do these kinds of errands anyway?_ He thought, looking around the park.

His dear sister had a blind date today that she was super excited for. He didn't knew why though, blind dates tended to be rather disapointing. Not that his sister could go anyway; she had a serious case of flu she caught two days ago. His sister, Mary, ever the polite person, felt that someone should tell her date that she couldn't make it and that she was terribly sorry for that.

And that '_Someone_' turned out to be him.

He sighed at that.

It was then that he noticed someone with a very long but beautiful silver hair standing back turned toward him.

_Bingo_. He smirked; if he was going to waste his time looking for his sister's date, might as well get a date himself.

He tapped her shoulder lightly to get her attention, she turned and raised an eyebrow confusedly. She was rather tall with boyish clothes and sharp features, but he decided that it looked very good on her.

"Yes?" Even her voice was sharp, not holding a fragment of femininity.

_New type to conquer._ "Would you like a drink?"

She looked confused. "What the hell are you talking about?"

_Playing hard to get, eh?_ "A pretty woman like yourself shouldn't wander around like that." The moment he finished that sentence, the woman grabbed him by his collar and lift him up from the floor, showing a suprising amount of strength.

"Voi! Do you have a death wish or something?" Her eyes narrowed dangerously, murderous intent flashing from them. Dropping him, she said with a hiss, "Fortunately for you I don't have the mood for commiting murder, consider yourself warned." And she walked away.

_I think I like this chick..._

* * *

Squalo was trying his hardest not to snap this moment; he knew that it wouldn't end well if he killed someone in public.

But it was very difficult not to.

The guy idiotic guy from before was following him, although he made it clear that he wasn't one to be messed with.

"You look wonderful even when you're angry."

"Are you freaking kidding with me?"

"No, I'm serious! Your beauty dazzles me!" _He must be working for a rival family, there's no way a civilian would talk to me like that._

Squalo just ignored him and looked for the person he was supposed to meet. _I'll finish this boring mission and everyone would go on with their lives._

But the guy refused to be ignored. "My fair maiden, what beautiful hair you have," he said when a sudden breeze came by and made Squalo's hair move with it.

At that Squalo had enough - as he shouted, "Voi!" And brought out his sword.

"Oh my fair maiden, your angelic voice pierces through my heart." The guy cooed, not noticing the lethal looking sword that was pointed at him at all.

"Let's see what you're going to do when I pierce through your skull!" Squalo said, preparing to strike.

The guy just leered when he saw that Squalo was about to attack him. "Are you into that? Well, for you I think I could handle it; you can _hurt_ me as long as you like."

Squalo twitched. "You little piece of shit, DIE!"

The guy, thinking that this was a way of flirting ran away smirking, and thanking his sister inwardly for sending him here.

* * *

"Fran this isn't funny," Lussuria scolded, not finding the idea that he's going to die amusing. _I'm sure they will find out about my involvement in this; and then I'm doomed._

But Fran continued laughing. "That guy mistook him for a girl!"

_It's good that Squalo is not here_, Lussuria thought. "I think we should run away from here soon..."

Fran only agreed because he had to upload these videos on his YouTube account.

So they headed toward the park's main gate. And as they were walking, they saw that Levi was still acting lovey dovey with his date (He was actually proposing to her right now, no idea where he got the ring from though.) Bel was still chasing after the paranoid girl, demanding her to bring his crown (It's a freaking tiara.) back; Mammon was still being shouted at; Squalo was still trying to murder the weird guy (Who still didn't get the hint that Squalo was a guy.) And Xanxus was currently being hugged to death.

The two stopped in their tracks.

Lussuria cried.

Fran started filming again.

"Are you freaking suicidal, Fran?"

"Worth it."

* * *

List of people to kill:

_1. Sawada Tsunayoshi._

_2. Sawada Tsunayoshi._

_3. The bastard, Sawada Tsunayoshi._

Now it was no secret that Xanxus wanted to murder the smiling fool, he actually agreed to this mission because one of the conditions was a chance to kill him (Some of the fool's guardians were quite protective; so it was difficult to arrange for a _spar_.) He gave his word that he and the rest of his men wouldn't harm whoever they were meeting today in exchange. And though Xanxus was a man of many bad deeds, breaking a vow was not one of them.

But he regretted ever agreeing with him this moment.

There was a diffirent reason as to why he wanted the Vongola boss dead today.

And this was it.

"You poor thing! You have some serious mommy issues!"

Meet '_Pest_'.

"But don't worry, I'll help you with my love!"

Xanxus cringed.

The moment this crazy whack job took a seat in front of him, she started analyzing his scowls and grants. And after ten minutes of silence, she voiced her theory loudly.

"Listen to me you crazy woman, I'm not doing any of this shit so keep your mouth shut before I make you," Xanxus warned, sending her his deadliest of glares to prove his point.

"Oh, you're so cute when you're trying to threat me!" And then she leaned forward and dared to pinch his left cheek.

"You're messing with wrong man, Trash," he said, already aiming his guns at her.

She stared at him for a while and blushed, before she suddenly jumped and hugged him to death.

"You're cuteness is killing me!"

"Get off of me, woman!"

"Oh my, you're hair is rather soft, I could ruffle it forever!"

"Stay away from my damned hair you scum!" _You know what? Screw the vows I'll kill her first, then I'll enjoy killing that bastard._

"I'm going to have so much fun fixing you!"

"I swear I'm going to kill you." But the insane woman heard none of it and continued hugging him.

"I love you too, hun." She beamed, tightening her grib even more.

_That's how the feared leader of the Varia is going to die? By being hugged to death?_

_Hell no._

After some struggling, he managed to shoot, but the bullet went right next to her sadly.

The woman wisely let go of him that moment and stared with shock at him. "You tried to shoot me."

Xanxus smirked. "Next time, I won't miss." But he then thought of it and decided that killing her wasn't worth it.

Killing the one responsible for all of this though...

_Absolutely._

But when he was about to leave, he heard a giggle coming from behind him.

"You need a lot of fixing!" She jumped excitedly. "That means more hugs!"

Xanxus' eyes widened. _No hugs!_

And he hurriedly walked (Not ran, walked, with a very impressive speed that made him look like he was running.) away from her.

All while she cried out chasing after him, "Let me love you!"

* * *

"I'm so dead, utterly done for, goodbye world, it was nice meeting you..." Lussuria wailed, sitting in a corner with a gloomy aura coming from him.

"Since the beginning of this day and you're like _'I'm doomed they'll know!_'. Know what exactly?" Fran asked when he finally stopped laughing.

Sighing, Lussuria all about the plan he and Tsushi agreed on.

"The Vongola boss? I knew he had it in him." Fran grinned, _maybe sometime later he'll send him the videos._

"At least he's in Japan right now, he has more time to escape. While I'm here with them," the Varia's Sun guardian cried again at the thought.

"Sucks to be you," Fran said monotonously.

"Should I call Tsushi? At least one of us will survive."

"Not if you value your life." When Lussuria heard that voice, he paled.

Behind them stood the rest of the Varia, looking royally pissed off (Except Levi, who was now with his new fiance).

Fran took the moment to note, "I have no business with him whatsoever." And stepped aside, making Lussuria look at him with a scandalized look.

"How much did you heard?" Lussuria asked with dread.

"Enough."

He sighed.

Then he was beaten to a bloody pulp.

* * *

When they arrived at the Vongola base in Namimori, they were greeted by an angry looking Hibari and Mukuro, the latter upon seeing them said, "Let me guess, Sawada Tsunayoshi?"

They only nodded slightly in respons.

"How about a truce?"

* * *

Meanwhile in the basement.

Tsuna sighed.

_I'm going to die a slow painful death, aren't I?_

_._

_._

_Remind me not to watch soap operas again._

* * *

_And that's it._

_I hope you like it ^^_


End file.
